FRIENDS & FAMILY

'Friends and family', this has become a very popular catchphrase recently. Even the phone companies have picked up on it, with their ever popular 'Friends and Family discount'. But who exactly are friends and family??? I say God chooses our biological families and our friends are the families we choose for ourselves. Thus I'm often heard to remark, "we can choose our friends, but we can't choose our families". An aunt of mine qualified it further saying; "we choose the members of our families we want to be close to."

I'm sure most people can relate to this sentiment and if you can't, pleeeeeeeeeeeease I'd love to meet your family, honestly!!! Do you ever wonder why it's so hard to get on with some members of your own family be it siblings, parents, aunts, uncles or cousins??? Do you ever question the saying, "blood is thicker than water"??? If you do, then welcome to my world. I firmly believe God placed us in our families for a reason. So that we have to learn to love that "difficult" family member regardless...!

It's often easier to relate to our friends, which is not surprising considering we picked them ourselves, and are thus likely to share similar interests, thinking patterns, common values and a sense of humour. Friends stick with you through thick and thin when sometimes your biological family doesn't. It's amazing when you consider that you've shared a womb, parents and grown up in the same environment as your siblings but may find it impossible to get on with them in later life.

The cohesive bonds of family are sometimes irrevocably shattered by quarrels, feuds, envy, deceit and in some cases, even murder. [Remember Cain and Abel, Esau and Jacob, Gen 4:8-9, 27:34-36,  41.] As I was growing up I often thought the envy and disunity in families was as a result of polygamy, with the attendant problems of numerous children and unfair distribution of resources. Later as I observed relationships within monogamous families, I thought it may be due to the preferential treatment of one child over the others, particularly when in the earlier half of the 20th century some African families could only afford to educate one child. This engendered jealousy in the other children who felt deprived and denied...

Now I observe families where all the children have had a university education,  all are professionals and reasonably comfortable, but there is STILL envy and jealousy within!!! I wondered why, AND then it finally came to me one day. Cain and Abel, the 1st reported brothers in the world ever, yet Cain killed Abel... So why was I surprised if today's families didn't get along. I've come to the conclusion, [maybe wrong] that all families are dysfunctional, and some more so than others. This might sound very depressing and disheartening but it's not the end of the story.

As I alluded to earlier, I believe God places us in families so we can learn to love. Yes, we have to love our family members, even when their behaviour is atrocious!!! We may not like them at the time, but we do have to love them. Its the 2nd great commandment, "Love thy neighbour as thy self" [Matt 22:39]. So where better to start than with our "nearest and dearest"?

I hear some of you say, "they are difficult, hateful, dishonest, malicious, etc", yes I agree, but we do have to love them nevertheless. I know it's not easy, but think, how easy is it for God to love us, when we are difficult, hateful and malicious??? Remember; God loved us even before we loved Him [1st John 4:10-13, 19]. He loved us even when we were all these dreadful things, and true love conquers all. Because as we come to realise, recognise and receive that love from God, we become more loving ourselves and it is then easier to love unlovable people.

I've found that as I try and grow in love, it then becomes easier to forgive, to empathise, to let go of real or imagined wrongs. I begin to pray for and about family members that I have a difficult relationship with. And our God who answers all, sees the desires of my heart and takes away the hurt and lets love grow. An older christian friend of mine once commented that a lot of disunity in families arises because people don't recognise their role in the family. Some are the providers, some are the organisers, some encourage and cheer people up, but all have a valuable role to play. I also think some are the black sheep or mischief makers, they serve to bring the family together in a concerted effort to solve their problems.

So for peaceable relationships don't always expect your family to be your friends, they each have a defined role to play. You're really lucky if you find at least one member of the family who understands and supports you in your journey through life, as for the rest, just love them anyway... I wonder if I'm speaking to someone out there who has a difficult relationship with a family member. I hope you will be encouraged to live a life full of love for all and sundry. Lets continue to grow in love and tolerance so that in a little way, we become as much like our heavenly Father as is humanly possible.

By Christie Nonye Akumabor 25/01/2010

Love conquers all